BANANA CAKE

My roommate Katy and her boyfriend have been contributing to a food blog called "Mad Tasty" (www.madtasty.blogspot.com), and asked me if I'd like to write an article about my recent misadventures trying to bake a banana cake. I submitted the first article below - and shockingly, it did not received the response I was looking for. My roommate suggested that jokes about domestic violence and implications that Paula Dean may or may not perform oral pleasure on her sons perhaps might be considered "offensive" by her readers - many of whom, she explained, are older women. In response, I wrote the second of the two posts - this time adapting a different persona that her followers could relate to - one I like to call "Aunt Betty". I leave it in your hands, readers, to tell me which one you like better...

Banana Cake - Draft 1
by Christopher J Miles

The precarious vestiges of my manhood were destroyed this weekend when I reacquainted myself with the art of baking banana cake. I was hesitant at first, as few would disagree that real men don’t bake. However, after hand sewing a teddy bear for my newborn nephew, I have come to terms with the fact that I am indeed, a woman.

My first attempt at banana cake came a few weeks back while watching the Grammys. I don’t know what sparked the craving, but something about picturing Rihanna getting bitched slapped made me think “banana cake.” Instead of using any number of the cookbooks my roommate has conveniently stored on our bookshelf, I decided it would be best to search the internet for a recipe – because who wants the ease of looking in a book when you can instead scribble everything on the back of a used envelope? On the Food Network site, I found a recipe that was endorsed by my favorite fat Southerner (who shall remain nameless), and I thought to myself “would someone who loves butter this much really steer me wrong here?” Truth be told – it sucked. Now, maybe it was due to the fact that I can’t cook worth shit. Maybe it was because I was moderately intoxicated while I tried to bake. Or maybe Paula was just too busy fluffing her two sons to really notice that this recipe was rancid. Whatever the reason – the cake was bad. It was dense and chewy. Basically – it was banana bread with cream cheese frosting. My roommate humored me by eating a couple pieces, but we ended up throwing most of it away.

Feeling somewhat defeated, I thought I would once again try to conquer banana cake. My roommate suggested using a recipe in her cookbook entitled “The Weekend Baker” by Abigail Johnson-Dodge. Now usually I tend to steer away from anything to do with women sporting hyphenated names, but the recipe seemed pretty decent. Katy promised me that this would make something somewhat more cake like, so I gave it a shot.

Now Johnson-Dodge stressed the importance of using – as she states “very very very ripe bananas.” Apparently this is common knowledge, but I sincerely had no clue. The bananas I used for the banana cake 1 were only “very ripe.” Apparently the extra very’s can make all the difference.

I’m a big fan of cream cheese frosting, but I decided to go out on a limb and try her “tangy vanilla frosting.” Instead of using cream cheese, the recipe called for sour cream (sour cream in frosting?!? Now I’ve seen EVERYTHING!). I have to say – very tasty. However, since I made the cake a day in advance, I had to stick the stuff in the fridge. By the time I was ready to frost, it was hard as a rock. I let it sit out for a few, and it became goo. So I put it back in the fridge, and it was back to being a rock again. Back and forth. Rock to Goo. Goo to rock. I thought to myself “if the Three Stooges had been homosexuals, this is the kind of bit they would have done.” I finally gave up and made my roommate frost the cake – and despite the challenges, she did a mighty lovely job.

To gussy it up a bit, I thinly sliced an extra banana I had laying around, and put the pieces around the edge of the top of the cake. It’s fancy. It was a work of art, but I should warn that unless you planning downing this cake fast, this might not be the best idea for a garnish. I’m looking at the leftovers right now, and all I can see are dark brown little blobs covering the top – not too unlike Rihanna’s battered face (see how I bring it back full circle?)

So for all you banana lovers, I would definitely recommend defiling this healthy fruit with lots of sugar and butter. Just stay away from recipes that call for thick batter. Thick batter, much like thick women, are just simply no good.

The Banana Cake

Banana Cake - Draft 2
by Aunt Betty

I have to say, my friends and family just simply LOVE bananas! In fact, you could even say that they go BANANAS for them!! Now, I’ve always been somewhat of a banana purist myself. The thought of defiling a beautiful banana with any unnecessary additions seems like a sin against deliciousness. A banana split? I’ll take mine minus the split, thank you very much. So, as you can imagine, I was somewhat skeptical when one of my dearest girlfriends Martha told me I had to try banana cake. If it had been anyone other than her, I would have thanked them kindly, and then gone home and permanently removed them from my Christmas card list for ever suggesting such a culinary abortion. But this was Martha, and she has always had exquisite taste (she was the one, after all, that turned me onto Mary Higgins Clark) – so I thought I might as well give it a shot.

My first attempt at banana cake was a disaster, and I should have expected as much. It was doomed from the start, as I mistakenly decided to employ the use of Satan’s instrument – the internet. Now Pastor Mike has repeatedly reassured me that the internet is not only for the homosexuals and Presbyterians, so I have made it one of my New Years resolutions to start using it more (along with losing a couple pounds in my mid section and trying to stop giggling at church). I searched online for a recipe that looked appetizing, and found a seemingly good one on the Food Network website. The recipe was one of Paula Deans, and though I firmly believe that if you can’t say something nice, you shouldn’t say anything at all – I have to say that this recipe was just the worst! I don’t know why I was surprised. That woman’s love of mayonnaise errs on the side of inappropriate. The cake was hard and chewy, and simply not bananany enough. After one bite, I threw the whole cake in the trash can. You should have seen the looks on my children’s faces. They really shouldn’t have been surprised though - I demand perfection from them as I do myself. Why, I would have done the same thing if they brought home a report card that was any less than straight A+’s – right in the trashcan it would go.

I immediately rang Martha, and in the nicest tone possible suggested that she was going straight to hell for wasting my time with such a terrible suggestion. Yearning to redeem herself, she said she would drop off the recipe she used post haste. One for forgiveness, I decided to give both Martha, and banana cake a second chance. The next morning, she dropped off a cookbook called “The Weekend Baker,” by Abigail Johnson Dodge. Although I found the pictures in the book to be garish and a bit flashy for my liking, Johnson Dodge’s anecdotes about her husband and children warmed me up. I found the book marked recipe and for banana cake, and banana cake – take two – was under way!!

The recipe was – well – a PIECE OF CAKE to follow!! And a lot of fun too! One fun suggestion Johnson Dodge recommends is using sour cream in her vanilla frosting instead of cream cheese to give it a tangy zing. And tangy it was! Well played Abigail! One little addition I would like to recommend is to thinly slicing a banana after frosting the cake, and use the slices to decorate the top. I put rings of banana in concentric circles on top, and it was just simply adorable. It’s the little things like this that make my husband love me.

In the end, I was glad I was strong-armed into making a banana cake. It was a huge hit – fluffy and moist and packed full of flavor. Martha sure may be on to something, and I look forward to defiling more healthy snacks by covering them with sugar and butter. Chocolate covered strawberries, here I come!!