TWINNER

This weekend I made a startling realization.

My twin brother Matt came down for the weekend – just for shits and giggles basically. Usually when he visits, he stops in for lunch and peaces out before night fall, but this time he spent the night. We had a few beers and then went out to some bars on the Corner. And good times were had by all.

My realization came later in the night. We’re at Orbitz, and I turn my back on Matt for about 3 minutes. I look back, and he’s no where to be found. When I find him, he’s standing at the bar with a couple dudes in tuxedos, and they’re all buying him rounds of tequila shots. It’s at this point that I realized – my twin brother is much cooler than myself.

It’s always been something I’ve suspected in the back of my mind. In high school, we did our own thing. He was big on the football team. I played the flugle horn in the marching band. He would go out and get drunk. I would stay in and play the Sims. My mom worried that he was doing drugs. She worried that I was a “chronic masturbator” The list could go on…but I’m sure you get the point.

It’s not that I don’t think that I’m cool. I’m cool! Right? I mean, I have a cell phone, and at parties I make sure to call people from it so everyone knows I have friends elsewhere. If that’s not cool, I don’t know what is.

But the fact of the matter is, my brother is cooler than me. Sure he might have an occasional girl slam a bathroom door in his face, but at the end of the night, I have to give him props. He is one friendly dude, and I am not.

WELCOME TO MY BLOG

it's no secret that i dislike blogs. perhaps you were unaware of my dislike, in which case i say to you; i dislike blogs. i feel like there are two kinds of bloggers.one- overly zealous youngster who mistakenly thinks i’m interested in how they think the world should be run. well I’m not.

two- 40 year old crusty women who mistakenly thinks I’m interested in what their child said in the car ride to piano practice yesterday. depends on what your child is wearing...but most likely not.

So why would I venture into the same blogging world of which I’m such a bitter critic of? The answer- a rich combination of boredom…

Okay just boredom.

With that out of the way, welcome to my blog. My first entry shall be what I think all blogs should be; a list of things I don’t like. Please enjoy.

1- animals dressed like people.
2- cauliflower.
3- the pussy cat dolls.
4- “big dog” shirts.
5- pants
6- the concept of brunch.
7- malta
8- honey glazed ham.
9- hippies.
10- that show “the war at home.”
11- the honor code…honor more generally
12- babies.
13- hairy toes.
14- midgets.
15- media studies.
16- people who speak too loudly on the bus.
17- most of my exes.
18- blogs.
19- being awake.
20- teddy roosevelt. fat fuck.
21- the name “sloane.”
22- enwr 105
23- enwr 106
24- having been placed in enwr 105 and 106.
25- zits on my lip.
26- the oboe.
27- lesbians.
28- constipation
29- howler monkeys.
30- the moment when you think another Law & Order is going to come on TNT, but instead they play an episode of Charmed.
31- eraser peelings.
32- the rainforest.
33- movies with sandra bullock.
34- pogo sticks.
35- stories that begin with “this one time i got so wasted…”
36- tuesday.
37- people who say “cool beans.”
38- william and mary.
39- the talking paper clip that pops up every time I open up Microsoft word.
40- the sterling shuttle, and the crazy woman that drives it.
41- emails sent by todd rosenbaum.
42- jingle bells.
43- cher.
44- the french.
45- books about time travel.

46- flag day.

47- weddings.

48- ending on anything other than a multiple of 5.