my life & other stories

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS

I decided to send out a Christmas news-letter this year. I’ll admit - it’s an idea that I unabashedly stole from my cousin Kelly. She wrote a letter and sent it to my mother, who thought it was the funniest thing in the world. Not to be outdone, I decided that I too must send a letter to my grandparents, aunts and uncles, and elderly who may mistake it for a graduation announcement and send back some cash.

So I wrote the following letter, folded it nicely into a Mahogany card with three black cherubs on the front, and signed in my best cursive "Merry Fucking Christmas you bunch of Crazy Black Assholes!" My only regret was that I didn't make enough to send to all of you. So I've posted here on my blog, for your enjoyment.

And as a side note, Merry Christmas, even if it is the middle of January.

Dear Everyone,

I recently received a Christmas letter from a long lost friend, who so thoughtfully composed a lengthy letter detailing every major event in her life that I’ve missed in the last year. Upon reading this letter, I realized that I’ve been missing out on a perfectly legitimate excuse to talk about myself (and to spread holiday cheer naturally). So, for your reading pleasure, I have written below a compilation of highlights from my life from this last year. Enjoy!

Living in New York is just as glamorous as I’m sure you think it is. The streets are lined with beautiful A-list celebrities. I can hardly walk to the subway station without bumping into someone famous. Since moving to New York I’ve seen Andy Rooney, Wallace Shawn, and three former Project Runway contestants. Why Just the other day I saw Alan Cummings eating dinner in one of my favorite restaurants. I went up to him and introduced myself, telling him what a fan of his work I am, to which he responded “I’m not Alan Cummings.” Alan! He’s such a joker!

It was a year ago this September that my dear friend Kathryn and I moved into our luxurious apartment in New York's epicenter of culture and class – Queens. With a neighborhood like this, it's a true mystery why anyone would choose to live in Manhattan. Of the many visitors I've had, not one has failed to marvel at our local wonders – the Washeteria, the two Rite Aids positioned side by side, the hobo that wears a Santa hat year round. Talk about Christmas Spirit! How many of you can say you've seen Santa Claus peeing into a storm gutter?

For the few of you who haven’t seen my apartment, you’re surely missing out! Finely decorated, we’ve collected high-end furnishings from both Ikea and CraigsList. You should really visit! And incase you’ve heard of our little mouse-situation, no worries! That problem has been mostly sorted. Mostly.

Now, I just couldn’t write a letter without mentioning work. You know me,”work work work.” I think you’ll be happy to hear that my hard work and dedication haven't gone unnoticed. That’s right, I’m talking about the big P word. Promotion! Gone are the days of answering phones, getting coffee, and running to the grocery store for economy sized packs of heavy-flow tampons. Now, while I’m not necessarily getting paid any more for my extra hours, the name of my position has changed, and we all know what Shakespeare says about names. They’re very important.

The city can get so drab in the winter, so I decided to take a little tropical holiday a few weeks ago. I thought it would be nice to treat myself and go somewhere exotic! My trip to Ft. Lauderdale was very nice. I was only gone for three days, but i leaned a lot in that time, including that 1) Ft. Lauderdale is where Poland goes to die, and 2) sun tan lotion is not, as I previously hypothesized, a placebo. I had a lovely time, and the doctor said my skin should grow back very soon.

Living in the cultural capital of the world, my friends and I have been taking advantage of all the finer forms of entertainment you can find here in New York City. We're all very excited about the long awaited release of National Treasure II; the Book of Secrets. I just hope it's as good as the first! If anyone needs a last minute present idea, I know one thing Christopher J wants…the charm and striking good looks of Nicholas Cage.

While I'm sure I don't need to tell you of what generous and selfless person I am, I wanted to share a little story of my kindness that I thought would warm your hearts this Christmas season. This year, Kathryn and I decided to take a young homeless girl into our home (it was mostly my idea). The transient was my first-cousin Kelly, who recently got a job in New York and needed a place to stay while looking for an apartment. And I'll tell you one thing, she was quite an imposition. There were shoes in my bathroom, bras on my dining room table, and a remote controlled dinosaur atop of my television. But despite the huge burden she inflicted upon us, we still had a lovely time with her…until of course, after two months it was suggested that she leave. Miss you Kell-Bell, wherever you are!

And with that I must leave you. Christmas is just around the corner, and you know me, always leaving shopping to the very last minute! Ha ha, but seriously. I wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

With Much Love,

Christopher J Miles

PS Alan Cummings says hello.