RICE CONCOCTION

My roommate recently sent me one of those “recipe exchange” emails. If you’ve been lucky enough to avoid them, here is an example of what one might say;

“You have been invited to be a part of a recipe exchange. You only have to send one recipe, so actually it is super fast and fun!1- person 1
2- person 2

First, send a recipe to the person whose name is listed in first position above, (even if you do not know them).

Second, copy this letter into a new email and move my name to the #1 position and put your name in the #2 position. Only your name and mine should appear in this list when you send it to 20 people you know.

If you cannot do this within 5 days, please let me know so it will be fair to those participating. You should receive 36 recipes.

Seldom does anyone drop out because we can all use new recipes.Happy Cooking!”Had it actually seemed “super fast and fun” I would have considered participating, instead of immediately deleting it and making a mental note to throw a pair of dirty underwear at my roommate later (Oh, and don’t think I’ve forgotten Katy. I have not forgotten). But even though I totally blew it off, I found myself thinking about it a lot. It confused me. Particularly the line “Seldom does anyone drop out because we can all use new recipes.” In my head, the record player came to a screeching halt. “People actually cook different meals for themselves….every night??” I wondered. My brain just simply could not – cannot – wrap itself around this. Cannot.
I can honestly say, without exaggeration, that every time I have cooked myself dinner in the last seven months, I have made the exact same thing. The exact. Same. Thing. My roommate and I have dubbed it “rice concoction.” So, for all you out there lining up for new dinner recipes, here is a super fast and fun one that’s super delicious. Please Enjoy!

RICE CONCOCTION
Ingredients
½ cup Instant Rice (I prefer brown)
1 onion slice
1 green pepper slice
1 bowl of frozen vegetables (I’m really into the “Santa Fe Mix” right now)
Lite Soy Sauce (for flavor)

Directions

• In a pot, add 1 cup of water. Heat on high until it boils. Add ½ cup of instant rice. Cook until done (Approximately 5 minutes, or right before it starts to snap crackle and pop. If you hear it snapping, crackling, and/or popping – you have failed bitterly.)
• In a microwave safe bowl, add a cup of frozen vegetables with a splash of water. Heat on high for three minutes.
• Slice a piece of onion and dice. Do the same with the green pepper. One whole onion and green pepper should last you for a week’s worth of Rice Concoction.
• Add oil to sauté pan. As the oil heats up, fantasize about being on Top Chef. Tom Colicchio has just walked into the kitchen to see how you’re doing. “Everything’s good Chef!” You say to him. He looks over your shoulder. “Are you going to mix those frozen vegetables in with the fresh vegetables you’re sautéing?” He asks. “Sure am Chef!” You respond. He smiles and nods approvingly. Later, Padma will describe this decisions as “Risky, but innovative.” Guest Judge Michael Chiarello will agree. Toby will not, but no one cares what he says anyway.
• Once onions and green peppers are sautéed, mix with the microwaved vegetables into the pan and heat for a few more minutes. Cook until flavor is gone.
• In a bowl, mix the rice and vegetables. Cover generously with soy sauce – for taste.
• Serve with a nice cold Coke Zero – preferably straight from the 2-liter bottle.

Now, I have made some slight variations to the recipe, as over the last 7 months, my palate has become more refined. When my hair began falling out due to a protein deficiency, for example, I added sliced tofu to the mix. (I would really like to stress though, that I am not a vegetarian. I am simply too lazy to cook meat.)
The saddest thing about all of this is, for Christmas my parents bought me a ridiculous amount of top-of-the-line pots, pans, knives, and other cooking utensils, all of which will only be used to make my flavorless gruel. Yes, I probably could try cooking something else. Maybe mix it up a bit. Throw in a taco night, or a spaghetti night every once and a while. Maybe make a salad. But I just don’t see a point. I’m a man of habit. I like rice concoction. I enjoy eating rice concoction. I find myself drooling when I think about it as I walk home from work. I’m not a picky eater by any means. I honestly cannot think of a single food I do not like. I’ll eat anything! But all I really want is rice concoction. And I figure, if it ain’t broke….

Oh – and incase you’re wondering – I also eat the same meals everyday for breakfast and lunch as well. But those are stories for another time. You also may be asking wondering – What did Chris make before I started making Rice Concoction? It was called Noodle Concoction – and that too is another story for another time.