EVALUATION TIME

The end of the semester is upon us, and you know what that means – EVAL TIME! Professor Evaluations are seriously one of my favorite things in the entire world – up there with masturbating and Angela Lansbury. I take them VERY seriously. From the first day of class on, I begin taking notes in the back of my notebooks – extremely extensive notes. Every late arrival, every inane comment, every poorly worded test question, every unfunny joke, mispronounced word, ugly sweater, cough without covering mouth, funny odor, EVERYTHING goes in the notes.

Over the entire year, I’ll spend 50% of class time formulating the precise zinger I’m going to end my eval on (the other 50% is a combination of doing Su Doku and thinking if I were to create an Amusement park what it would look like). At the end of the year, when I’m handed that eval, I think to myself “thumbs up, or thumbs down?” I’ll look over my notes, and barring any major offensives, I usually will let them off easy. But if they’ve pissed me off…well…you better WATCH IT.

When a teacher has wronged me, I write my evals with one goal – make them cry. No shooting to wound here. In two to three lines, I want tears strolling down their face.

I’ve saved some of my best works, and I thought I would share them here with you. Some of them are a little harsh, so please be warned. If you’re the sensitive type…or one of my professors, you might want to look away. To the rest of you, please, enjoy.


A.B.-
I find the irony of a media studies professor that can’t work a VCR almost as amusing as her sweaters.

J.D.-Did you know that there are 358.5 tiles on the ceiling in your classroom? I did!

T.D.-
I was genuinely surprised that a TA that struggles with the basics of English as much as he does - was able to pick up on how truly crappy my papers were. Well done.

L.B.-
You’re a little man.

C.H.-
The problem with this eval is that it has only given me one page to write on.

C.B.- 
You think just because you have a PhD and a fun British accent that your shit don’t stink?

C.D.-
I calculated the ratio of questions asked to questions answered during his discussion group. For every 10 questions asked, Craig answered four. The other six were generally a combination of “I’ll turn that one over to the class” or “I don’t think you need to know that,” or my personal favorite, “scholars are unclear on that. Next question?”

S.M.-
Stephen Macko, you rock my world. I would bear your children if that were even physically possible.

H.E.-
I say this is all of my evals, but this time I think I actually mean it. She was the worst TA I’ve ever had.

J.P.-
Please buy another shirt.

J.LaP. -

I don't think I've witnessed a teacher yell at a student in the middle of class since elementary school. Thank you for that.

So okay, some of them were a little harsh. I mean, I may be callous, but I am definitely a just man. A fair man. Yes, some of these may had been made mean spiritedly, but you’ll just have to trust me that they got what they were owed. So spare them your pity.

[at the advice of one of my overly cautious friends, i took the professors names down and replaced them with their initials. I figured it would probably be best to at least wait AFTER I got my grades to start publicly mocking them]