my life & other stories

Trip to the Lake.
Part II

Kelly and I stood under the flight board in disbelief. 20 minutes before our flight had been schedule to arrive on time. Now it, and every flight south of the Mason-Dixon Line was canceled.

Kelly and I looked at each other, mouths agape. “It’s like I willed it to happen,” Kelly told me, “willed it to happen…with my brain…”

At this point, the line to the terminal desk seemed to wrap around the airport. Without speaking, we picked up our bags and went to the end. There was a hundred angry travelers in front of us, and five minutes later another hundred behind us. While I was slightly disappointed (having decided just a few moments before that I was actually looking forward to going), truth be told, I really didn't give a fuck. And Kelly? She was down right giddy. Within seconds, she already had a date for later that evening.

It was hard to not feel somewhat superior to everyone else standing in line. Not caring really gave the two of us an edge. Kelly and I stood silently, eavesdropping on the young woman whining behind us. Over the phone, she sighed and in a mark of passive aggressive genius she stated “I guess God doesn’t want me to come see the band concert. I guess God hates me.” Kelly mouthed no, but I do bitch.

Time dripped by as we waited in line. To entertain ourselves, we practiced different approaches for what we would say when we got to the front. “Let’s pretend like we’re really upset,” I suggested. “You start crying and I’ll pound the desk and demand to see a supervisor.” Kelly suggested reverse psychology. “I didn’t want to fly on your shitty plane anyway!”

Finally we got to the front. Standing behind the desk was a tiny old woman. She looked like the type that if allowed, would wear a t-shirt to work that said “I can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day, and tomorrow isn’t looking good either.” She’d smirk every day when she stretched it over her saggy frame (not laugh mind you. No, she never laughed), and when people spoke to her, she would simply point to the shirt. If they persisted she would respond by warning “don’t make me point to the shirt again."

I put our tickets on the counter and said “so, there’s probably no way you can get us to Richmond tonight, is there?”
Without looking at her computer, she stared me dead in the eyes and said “nope.”
“And I’m guessing you probably can’t get us to North Carolina either.” I added.
“Nope.”
“And can I go ahead and assume that you’re probably already booked on all the flights to North Carolina tomorrow?”
“Yup.”
Kelly and I looked at each other and shrugged. “Well I guess that does it for us. aThank you.”
Kelly added with all sincerity, “It’s been a pleasure, truly.”

We grabbed our bags and peaced. Being as I lost my phone, Kelly was forced to call our parents to give them the bad news, and for that ten minutes I was genuinely happy I had left it in the cab. At first, Kelly thought she had gotten off easy. Her dad had picked up and the conversation went a little something like this.

“Dad, our flight was canceled…Yeah…okay…love you too bye.”

Moments later Aunt Lynn called back. Kelly sighed before she picked it up. I heard my Aunt through the phone “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE NOT COMING?” For the next ten minutes I heard Kelly muttering “Mom…but they said...no…mom…ALL THE FLIGHTS ARE CANCELED …mom...no…there is no bus to Raleigh…”

She finally snapped her phone shut. She released a long breath and said “she said that they’re going to miss us and that they’re sorry we can’t come. Oh and your mom thinks you’re a dumbass for losing your phone.” And we left it at that.

Considering the drama that had just taken place, we decided to treat ourselves to a cab ride home. “The last thing I need right now,” Kelly told me, “is some crazy subway drama.” Before she could complete the sentence, a large Hispanic dude jumped in front of us.

“You guys looking for a cab? I got one waiting over there…” he said, pointing to some distant parking lot.

I shook my head no, but before I could verbalize the negative, Kelly jumped all over it. “Why yes, cab driver. We will take you up on your offer. Please, lead us to your parked vehicle”
I screamed a little inside.

We followed the large fellow into the parking lot, farther and farther, until we came to a pimped out Explorer. It had fat rims, and even fatter dude sitting behind the wheel.

“Nononononono” I said, turning around. Kelly looked at the guy and said “Um…sorry…this isn’t really what I expected. I think we’re just going to take a regular cab.”

The large fellow jumped in front of me. “Is it Phat Joey? Dude, he’s my cousin. We’re just two honest guys trying to make enough money to feed our family.”

I looked back at Kelly and then the dude, and then continued heading back to the airport. The guy turned to Kelly. “Man, we do this a hundred times a day. You don’t want to go back there and wait in line for a cab. It will take 40 minutes, and they’ll charge you twice as much.”

Kelly stood there, and I saw her hesitation. I put my bag down, and being the man in the situation, I thought it was high time that I stepped up and started acting like one. “Um...it's up to her I guess,” I told him.

The guy turned to Kelly. Like a giant douche, I had put her on the spot and she looked at me with panic in her eyes. “Come on sweetie,” he pleaded. “If something happens, you have your boyfriend here to defend you.” Somehow, neither one of us found any comfort in this statement.

“I mean…,” she said, her eyes darting back between me and Phat Joey, “fuck it.” She threw her bag into the back seat and climbed in. “But if I die I’m going to be very upset with you two.” The large guy hopped into the passenger seat, and I screamed a lot inside.

Looking around the car, nothing added up. First of all, why were they both here? How could this be a profitable business if they charged less then a cab and then split the money two ways? Second, how could two men, who claimed to be struggling to feed their families, afford a small plasma screen TV playing live satellite under the rear view mirror? How could they afford the seven suits, hanging fresh from the dry cleaners in the back? It would be offensive logic to think that this would result in anything other than a shiv in the neck.

As we drove through the airport parking lot, I plotted ways to get out. I would tell them that I forgot my bag at baggage claim. I would tell them I had to go get it. They would have to let us out, and we could make a break for it. It would be the best decision I ever made. It would save our lives.

So I sat there silently and we pulled out onto the highway. We were on the road to our certainly violent and eminent deaths, but I didn’t want to be rude…

Kelly and I sat in complete and utter silence; the only noise was coming from Keyshia Cole and Missy Elliott playing on their on-road entertainment center. I nervously fidgeted with a piece of paper, all the while picturing how it would go down. Instead of taking us home, they would drive us to some sketchy neighborhood. One of them would then remove his gun from his pocket and instantly shoot me in the head. Luckily, I wouldn’t be around to watch them make Kelly their play thing. When the cops found our bodies floating in the East River, they would comment on how tragic it was, two beautiful lives taken down for what must have been just a few bucks ($7.24 and a sugar packet to be exact).

I started to relax a little when Phat Joey took the exit ramp towards Queens. However, Phat Joey and his amigo started arguing. “You said 44^th Ave. right? Not 44^th St? Because there is no 44^th St in Queens”

My heart immediately started pounding out of my chest. This is how it was going to happen. They were going to play stupid and get lost and take us down a back alley and then cut us into pieces. I could actually see my heart pounding.

“Yes there is!” Kelly spoke up. “I know this because I live on it.”

The two guys looked at each other. “My mistake” one of them said. I thought I was going to pass out, or pee myself, or most likely both. I started praying like a mad man, asking God for forgiveness for eating meat on Friday during Lent and having sex with all those strangers. Maybe if I just gave them my wallet, they would let us live. They could just take my wallet, drop us off in the middle of no where, and call it day.

I reached for my wallet, and then suddenly we came to a stop. Phat Joey had pulled the car over, and I quickly tried to make peace with God. Kelly grabbed me. I screamed a lot…but this time not inside.

“Are you going to get out or what?” She asked me. Phat Joey was staring at me like I was crazy. We were parked in front of my apartment.

I almost kissed the curb when I got out of the car. The young man grabbed my bag and handed it to me. “See, you made it out alive didn’t you”

“Yessir” I shrugged. He got me!

We paid the ridiculously cheap fare and i gave him a big tip for not killing me. The trip-that-didn’t-happen from hell was over, and we had made it home alive,.although cell phone and topical cremeless.

As a post script, I would like to add that shortly after we returned home, I noticed that I had quite a few new IM's waiting for me. I opened the first one from my friend Diane. She wrote:

“So, I spoke to your cab driver a few minutes ago. Apparently you left your phone in his back seat. He said to call him and he would bring it to you.” I had about seven other messages that said the same thing. Apparently he was answering all my calls.

My mother called Kelly’s phone a few minutes later. “Chris! Rahul has your phone!”
“How do you know his name?”
“Oh I know a lot about Rahul. He’s a real delightful man. But anyway, he said he would drop your phone off if was in the neighborhood.”

I called my from from Kelly’s and Rahul answered (naturally). “RAHUL!” I shouted. “You have my phone!”
“Oh yes, you left it in my seat.” He responded. “I bring it back if I go to Queens.”

And sure enough, 4 hours later brought it by. I was so relieved I would have kissed him on the mouth, you know, had he not been so unattractive. He wouldn’t even take the cash I offered him as a reward. He just waved me off and when on his way. Amazing. And that’s why I will name my first born Rahul.

Or my next fish. Either way.

THE END